RED was the colour of Eurovision last night, red costumes lit with red lights against red backdrops. Multiple acts went for red on red on red and while I’m sure it looked spectacular in person, it didn’t quite translate to the small screen. For some fairly complex reasons related to the sensitivity bias of digital sensors, chroma subsampling and white balance, red is hard for TV. That’s why the image at the top of this post is all blown out. There is a canyon between the real world and the one we see on screen, all that broadcast tech and grizzled professionals can’t teleport us into the stadium. Eurovision was otherwise great, my friend Dani got a shoutout, the newish format changes kept it short(er) and I got to see my girlfriend get incredibly frustrated at Sweden’s (admittedly unfair) impending win. It was everything and more than it should be.

Eurovision is an ever-presence in my life, while there must have been a first time I watched it, it was such a tradition in our house that there also wasn’t. This ever-camp and ever-silly yearly ‘competition’ is close to my heart, I’ve missed a few and fallen asleep during others, but I’ve mostly watched it my entire life. The show is such a bisexual superhero convention and it always has been. I like how I see that now, if I went back and rewatched previous Eurovisions I’m sure I’d see it more. Having past Eurovision on loop is almost certainly a CIA torture technique, so I will just suppose this interpretation, rather than test it.

Despite having visioned so much euro, I never thought I’d see the UK host. Eurovision was created as a sort of mandatory weekly family dinner for Europe post WWII, something to sublimate the competition between countries from battlefield to stage and create bonds and foster a civility that would make further war in Europe a thing of some past, making way for a enlightened and connected time. Its politics are both hidden and obvious, tensions unsaid but instead screamed in nylon and sequins. It’s strange to watch the devastation of war be acknowledged and morned, as the BBC cuts to a group of ‘displaced’ Ukrainians watching from the stands, yet have the only condemnation aimed at Russia be their lack of participation and the anti-war sentiments of the entries that is frankly a reliable mainstay anyway. It’s stranger still that this contest is held in a UK still gripped by the Brexit project, where ‘small boat’ refugees are the political issue of the day, with these Ukrainians being the acceptable face of immigration. Eurovision is not equipped to show the viewers at home the true red of war anymore than it is able to show the true overstated red of its performances.

I’ve been watching a lot of alternate history videos this week, it’s easy to imagine an alternative history where Eurovision never takes off. Originally not even broadcast on television, and comprising very few countries, it’s come a long was in finding it’s audience. In this alternative timeline, ABBA are singing in lounges and Philomena Cunk has nothing to comfort her when told the news that nuclear weapons still exist. Socialism would rule Sweden in this world, Eurovision ‘74 and Waterloo propelled ABBA to the world stage and international stardom, they started an investment company and lobbied multiple socialist projects out of existence. Luckily we can banish such thoughts from our minds and avert our gaze to Sweden which will host next year! Coincidentally the 50th anniversary of ABBA’s win. It’s hard not to imagine that the judges who enforce the established tone and institutional values didn’t know this, that it didn’t bias the results. I wonder if ABBA’s investment firm own the venue? or is the live music industry too volatile?

The UK did reliably badly, ending the fever dream of being essentially nominated to host Ukraine, a return to our penance for being the UK. But it’s as always impossible to know to what extent this is political and to what extent this is because the songs are just rubbish. This smokescreen is the mechanism that ensures accusations remain just that, it keeps the civility. But this year the judges drew the eyre of the crowds, of the entire gay male population. No countries public vote gave Sweden 12 points, yet the judges decreed them winner. Chants of Cha cha cha filled the stadium, calling for justice, much to the hosts dismay and repeated calls to silence boos. Silence children, this is not the Eurovision way. An alternate timeline flickers into view. The judges are overthrown and for fear of becoming another head on a glow stick, no future jurors can be pressed into service. Another institution fallen to populism. The whole of Europe disintegrates into war. Homosexuals fight over the Fulda Gap. Sequins blow in the wind. Back in our timeline, we must console ourselves with the knowledge that the future contains the 50th anniversary of ABBA. You’ll love that. For the sake of peace you’ll love that. ABBA’s net worth is over $1.1 billion.

finland should have won